i think alot but i just don't type

due to the fact that i have no computer and no internet in my home, i don't often find an intersection of having access to a computer with the "feeling" of typing in this blog...so where I used to try and type once a week has turned to every few months...not conducive if i want to write a book...hehehe

but im trying to fix it and doing some research to buy a computer.

most recently my sisters came to visit me. it was an amazing time. which i have to admit when i returned to my apartment after dropping them off i thought i would be relieved. but i wasn't. i was sad and noticed how quiet my apartment is.

the longer lasting effects have been even better. i seem to often live these seperate lives. like when i went to high school because it was all new people and a new place i just kind of revamped myself. then when i went to college it was all new people and a whole new place, so far from home that the only time they really mixed was at graduation. sometimes this is challenging to me because i like to an authentic person and i want to be the same no matter where i am. and when i like who i am in one place well i want to keep those characteristics and develop them even more fully.

so ive been in korea for about a year and half and there has been no mix of home and life here. i mean im horrible at writing at home thus rarely receive correspondence through the mail. ive even become horrible at keeping in touch with people through facebook and email...and in a world of skype, well there is little excuse. but i went home last christmas but even that was not a mixing of my lives. it was me removing myself from one life to go back into a different one.

but, coming back to my point, when my two sisters came here - Lindsay the second oldest and Lacie the youngest - i didn't expect this feeling i've had since they left. its like they kind of awoke a piece of me inside that has been missing. the day after they left i was walking to work and i just felt like me. like a lot of my insecurities were missing. i dont know why. its not like my sisters are especially loving in a very explicit (right word?) way. we don't really tell each other i love you very often. but something about having that piece of home with me just reminded me of who i am.

the insecurities of not having a boyfriend and not having a longterm plan for my life kind of just slipped away. they just reminded me of who i am without even meaning to. i feel more complete. which is shocking because usually i think im going to be annoyed with people in my korea, in my space...but the opposite. it kind of made it more real for me.

~~~rereading this... maybe they just reminded me that i am american amber in korea...im not korean (despite my best efforts at times) which sometimes leaves me feeling neglected and left out...i think they reminded me that im me. :) and im american. haha

does that mean i want to stay in korea for a few more years? haha...who knows. but i have all of a sudden gotten this great motivation to take a korean language class. for some reason i have the desire to do something crazy, maybe my sisters reminding me of how much i used to work and study and play sports and that it is possible to do all of that at once. i want to prove it to myself again i suppose....so i was looking into a korean language class at a university. go to class 9 to 1 and then work from 3 to 10. hows that for a nice struggle? the challenge i think is what has drawn me to this idea. but the price tag of 1,500,000 won - thats about 3/4 of a paycheck is a little daunting this next few months.

so no worries. i have found a solution. i will take a korean hagwon (academy) which is cheaper and shorter. oh yes, i think i will enter the same hagwon system that i work in now....except switch the languages...and maybe with adults the teachers will care more. haha, thats all i can think about are the days when i don't care and how i dont want to pay all that money for a teacher who doesn't care about me. buuuuuuut im an adult choosing this program where most of my students are forced to attend my classes and are often so overworked and sleep deprived that i look at their faces and feel pity for them.

but i figure lets do one month of this it will give me a taste. see if my korean does get better, if i can handle a class, my internship and work....and if its promising well follow up from there.

until next time~